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A Caffeine Addict's Adventures in Quitting Coffee

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I went through a brief but intense week of caffeine withdrawal. The severity of withdrawal symptoms affects people in different ways: it depends on how much caffeine you take in on the regular, and whether you do it cold turkey or slowly wean off of it.

I went cold turkey. Here’s what happened:

Monday: I’m more peckish than usual and find myself reaching for sugary snacks. I encounter waves of tension aches in my neck and forehead. All I can think about is how coffee can fix everything and make it all go away. Coffee craving level: DEFCON 1.

Tuesday: I spend most the day feeling angry and tired while battling to stay awake at work. My neck is still stiff and my headache feels like it’s sending shock waves of irritability through my bones. My lower back feels like it has been run over by a truck. Coffee craving level: Jeff Goldblum asking Geena Davis to kill him at the end of The Fly.

Wednesday: This is the worst day. There might actually be a troll smashing the insides of my skull with a bus welded to a jackhammer. Even the breathing of the cashier at the convenience store is driving me crazy. I am miserable and decide that I hate life. Coffee craving level: this miserable polar bear.

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Thursday: This is a slog of the worst kind, but the headache has receded and the the knots in my muscles are negligible after popping a pain killer. I’m still desiring sugary snacks and still feeling fairly lethargic and irritable. Coffee craving level: Bruce Willis AND Alan Rickman in Die Hard.

Friday: I actually feel kinda okay today. Despite still feeling slightly sluggish and hungry all the time,  my head is much lighter and clearer. I decide that life is not so bad after all. Coffee craving level: Nicki Minaj hair flip.

Over the next few days, the headaches and muscle aches completely went away and my caffeine cravings receded too. I have not had any coffee in three weeks at the time of writing and am no less happier or miserable for it — but I do sleep better and don’t get any more heart palpitations (I do miss cappuccino though, not gonna lie).

If you’re thinking about cutting down on coffee consumption but were freaked out by what I went through, again, don’t worry: the withdrawal affects people in different ways. Yours could be worse or better, but a good way to keep the withdrawal symptoms in check is to slowly reduce your coffee intake: so if you usually drink one cup a day, start taking it once every other day, followed by once every three days, on to once a week, and so on.

Have you tried quitting coffee, and did it succeed? Misery loves company, so I’d love to hear how you got off your addiction for black gold in the comments section. Or maybe we can go meet up and talk about it over a cup of — I don’t know — orange juice or something.

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